Are You Leading Your Life--Or Is It Leading You? By Linda Avey Bullock Women have always worked hard. Before the invention of so-called modern conveniences, we chopped wood, carried water, cooked over an open fire, worked in the fields, and bore and raised umpteen children--all without the benefit of air conditioning, indoor plumbing or comfortable shapewear. Comparatively speaking, you'd think modern women wouldn't have much to complain about. Yet stress among women, especially working mothers, has reached epidemic proportions. Why is this? Therapist and social worker Diane Goldberg, MSSW, LCSW, says, "I think it is because of unrealistic expectations created by media images of well-coifed, fashionably clad, thin women who bake cookies and run corporations without ever seeming frazzled, unless the 'frazzled bit' comes in neat segments with resolvable problems." Stephanie Speisman, who coaches women on time management through her company Strategies for Change, points out another significant factor in the higher stress levels women experience today: "Our days used to be divided up into eight-hour segments of sleep, work, and play," she says. "These segments of time began merging when laws were passed allowing stores to be open on Sunday. "Today we can shop and run errands seven days a week. We can send and receive messages 24 hours a day and make business calls from our cars. We no longer have a separate time for work and play." Of course the Big Lie of Time Management is that we can manage time at all. We cannot affect time. The hands on the clock continue to move forward no matter how many daily planners we fill. Changing Focus "Women need to shift the focus from managing time to managing themselves," says Speisman. "When you put the focus on yourself instead of the clock, you begin to get in touch with what's truly important to you. You become more fulfilled and regain control of your time." In case you've long forgotten what's truly important to you, try this exercise: MACRO FOCUS: Picture yourself at the end of your life. What have you accomplished? What did you most enjoy? Are you satisfied, or is something missing? Now make a list of what's important to you. Speisman suggests that once you get in touch with what's really important to you, you then take a week and keep a detailed record of how you're spending your time. "Chances are your behavior is not congruent with your values," Speisman says. MICRO FOCUS: Just because women can do several things at once doesn't mean they should. Remember being so engrossed in an activity as a child that you lost track of time? Concentrate fully on one thing, the way you did as a child. ME FOCUS: Every once in a while, have a "Leave Your Watch at Home Day." Let the natural rhythms of your mind and body tell you when it's time to do something. Committing to Pleasure One of the areas women have the most problems with is relaxation. "Without a 'commitment to pleasure' we never find the time to relax," says Goldberg. "But it's important to listen to yourself, not your television. What TV and magazines don't present is the reality of the daily grind: the laundry done this week has to be done again next week. Additionally the 'feel good' industry creates unrealistic expectations of the glories of 'time for yourself' and the benefits of 'treating yourself.' "This time/treat/reward structure is not always possible in the life of a mother who has to juggle soccer and success," says Goldberg, "so lack of self-nurturance becomes just another failure." So many women are tortured by what 'time for pleasure' should be, she says. "Not every woman can or wants to relax in a bubble bath with dishes in the sink. The key is finding out what is relaxing for you, not what someone tells you should help you relax. We don't all enjoy bubble baths, romance novels, or walks." "I had a client once who was endlessly frustrated trying to make 'me time' daily--she believed that without it she would have "no self-esteem.' After several months of therapy, she recalled that as a teenager she used to collect speeding tickets hitting the highway when school stressed her out. After a few more sessions, she decided to quit trying to achieve 'me time' daily and work towards something she had always wanted to do: She took a short-term, one-weekend driving course at a local race track and was able to drive incredibly fast around the huge track. She reported feeling good for months afterwards and planned on doing it again in the future. That was her 'me time' and it worked for her. "I wouldn't have enjoyed it at all," confides Goldberg. "Most people wouldn't. It's important to find out what you really want in terms of pleasure and not succumb to the standard stress-reduction pabulum. "I have had countless therapy clients who found the pursuit of pleasure to be 'just-one-more-thing-I-have-to-do' until they explored their own fantasies and found something that really alleviates their stress. "Once you know what helps," says Goldberg, "you find yourself arranging things so that you can have it--the same way you make time for meals or sleep." Making Room for You If you've ever broken a sweat trying to jam one more thing into your closet, you know that to make room for your latest mall haul, you've got to get rid of the old and the useless. Speisman offers the following tips: Make a list of things you just tolerate in your life and get rid of them. Speisman says these "tolerations" consciously or subconsciously drain your energy on a daily basis. Listen to your thoughts and write them down. Begin to restructure self-defeating thoughts one at a time, over and over, to be more positive and realistic. Self-defeating thoughts are usually beliefs, not reality. Simplify your life wherever possible. Keep in mind that generally speaking, no one is looking out for you except you. One thing modern woman does have over women of other eras is the ability to choose how she spends her time. Choose wisely. Also see: • Quick ideas to finding time for you • More articles about work and family balance • Executive moms balancing secrets Linda Avey Bullock, author of two books and the editor of the newsletter Women as Managers, specializes in humor, health and issues that relate to women in the workplace.