Ask the Business Coach Joyce K. Reynolds is an expert Business Coach who works with CEOs, Sr. Execs, entrepreneurs and countless others providing knowledge, solutions, motivation and support that assist her clientele in successfully meeting workplace challenges. Find out more about Joyce's coaching practice. Conflicts at Work Question: I work in the IT field, supporting a Business Unit within a bank. I work with a lady, who wishes to my boss, is very controlling and condescending. She does not speak highly of the Business Unit (or a particular person within) to associates and co-workers. This relationship is already weak due to some history (prior to my hire). I am trying to strengthen this relationship with the Business Unit and my other associates and Depts. What I am developing and working hard at doing it, she is turning around and undoing. She has no sense of confidentiality or diplomacy. How can I approach this situation with her, without getting her back up, causing conflict, and helping her see what she is doing. She is one who can cause conflict with others, but dislikes conflict coming back to her, so I would like to get my point across to her, without her feeling conflicted. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Tina Answer: Addressing and correcting the situation you describe will require a great deal of delicacy and tact. Given your description of this colleague as controlling, condescending, easily creating conflict but uncomfortable with it coming back at her, it sounds as if you may be in the presence of an office bully. Generally speaking, these are people who use intimidation to offset their feelings of insecurity, inferiority or dissatisfaction. Conversely, you appear to have a very good outlook on important workplace issues such as seeking greater interdepartmental cooperation and more welcoming attitudes. This is no small gift and one you definitely want to protect and enhance. That said, let's go on to some solutions. If you've already considered and dismissed the idea of asking your supervisor for suggestions, we'll have to start by approaching this very tactfully from another angle. It's important to shield yourself from an 'aggressor' by presenting yourself confidently in both body language and tone of voice. Be sure your co-worker is not overriding you because you appear to be letting her take the lead. You may even find that she is unaware of how her take-charge attitude is affecting you. If you determine that this has, in part, been the case you will want to immediately begin to change the dynamic by asserting your peer status. Keep in mind that overly-aggressive types who want to avoid being challenged recognize when people are not going to yield to their negative direction. Being sure that you are not coming across as uncertain will discourage her. This means, directly asking questions and side-stepping any power-play by offering alternatives to the way she wants to handle things. It's also essential to keep making changes with other co-workers that demonstrate your constructive and supportive slant on things. As you do so, you might try drawing your colleague in by casually mentioning your strategy and the good results it's producing - e.g. "The folks in the Business Unit are really responding positively to my interest in working more supportively with them. I'm planning to continue in this direction. Would you be interested in working on this with me?' If she reacts positively to such tactics, you might further the conversation by laying some concrete plans - developed in advance - that will invite her cooperation in that vein. If, on the other hand, she digs in and seems more opposed to working in a more accommodating manner - even offended by the suggestion - you'll be better off with a direct discussion. Asking pointed questions such as why she's opposed to better teamwork or what the benefit is of not working more closely may get her to reveal her issues. Once you know what they are, you can more handily overcome them. For example, if she makes disparaging remarks about her target in the Business Unit - e.g. she's not doing her job, she's dumb, slow or shouldn't be there - you will have the opportunity to confidently suggest that you can both help by making this weak link stronger for the good of the organization. If you are unsuccessful with this approach, you have a few other choices. You can seriously pull in your boundaries with this aggressive colleague and let her know you will not cooperate with any negativity as you continue to work in an overtly positive manner with other departments. You can rethink your position about involving a supervisor, write out your ideas for making the departments more cooperative and present them with a request for help in moving your area into a more harmonious situation. Or you can ask for further authority or autonomy so you can better manage your plans for improving the workplace around you. If all else fails, you can seek a transfer. One thing you want to avoid doing is meshing into a negative environment or falling into silence on issues that are important to you and valuable to your company. Honest, open discussion about your positive views and desires to champion a more welcoming, cooperative atmosphere will, at least, position you away from unconstructiveness tactics that your colleague might employ. You can also actively enlist people from other departments to focus on this issue with you - show how you can all succeed at making the workplace more productive and pleasant. Choose such people carefully and be clear that this is not about battling your reluctant colleague but about making improvements that she might, ultimately, connect with. Correctly positioned, your good intentions and well-laid plans should move you into a more cooperative setting. Also see: • Ask Joyce your workplace questions • More questions • One-on-one business coaching Disclaimer: The information in this column is intended to provide the reader with general ideas or concepts to be used as part of a broader base of knowledge they collect to determine their own best course of action and solutions most suitable for solving their workplace challenges. The information in this column is not guaranteed to be the appropriate solution for each individual.