Ask the Business Coach Joyce K. Reynolds is an expert Business Coach who works with CEOs, Sr. Execs, entrepreneurs and countless others providing knowledge, solutions, motivation and support that assist her clientele in successfully meeting workplace challenges. Find out more about Joyce's coaching practice. Friendship with boss Question: I began employment for a company in April of '01. In all my years work experience, I have never encountered a supervisor that wanted to become friendly. My husband was a bit apprehensive saying that it will later cause problems. Against his better judgment, I began to go on weekend shopping trips. Let the kids spend nights at each others houses and have lunch together everyday. Well I began to feel suffocated. At work, my supervisor stayed in my cubicle talking and laughing which resulted in me not being able to complete my work. The other employees felt as I received special treatment, and the supervisor's co-workers (other supervisors) looked at her in disgust. Finally I told her that we needed to just keep it professional because I felt crowded and she just doesn't get it. She gave me my evaluation on Friday and instead of doing my evaluation, she asked me if we could still hang out on the weekends and she understands that I don't wish to have nothing but a professional relationship at work but what about after work? I didn't quite know how to respond and to be quite honest, I don't know how to take her. I think she has become a little co-dependent which can be dangerous to the lively hood of my job if I don't comply with her wishes. What should I do? Vanessa Answer: Whichever way you 'take her' - your current relationship with your supervisor appears to be hazardous to both your job and your personal life. There are a number of issues you need to consider. If you have correctly identified the problem as one of codependency - be very clear that your supervisor did not 'become a little co-dependent' without your cooperation. Codependency is about at least two people. It would, therefore, be smart to take a close look at your own behavior and determine to what extent this exists in your life. Do some reading on the subject and, perhaps, visit a local support group on the topic so you can clarify your own status then take whatever appropriate actions are dictated by your self-evaluation. Meanwhile - let's look at some of the cognitive and behavioral corrections you might begin to apply to this challenge. First, work on removing from your supervisor any blame for this too-close friendship. You got there together. Keep the corrective focus on yourself understanding that you can not change her. Also recognize that - along with probably liking this individual - there were, initially, good feelings attached to being needed or appreciated. These are feelings that need to be attended to and satisfied elsewhere than on the job. Take charge of changing the situation by setting new, more secure boundaries and being very clear that your going-forward relationship with your supervisor must be strictly professional. Begin putting this in place by shifting your in office dialog to include work matters only. When asked questions such as if you can 'hang out on weekends' - tell her you'll discuss that with her off the job. The objective is to separate business from personal interactions allowing for the possibility of salvaging your current employed status which might, indeed, be in jeopardy. Continue to change your behavior - being unavailable for any invitations from her in a consistently polite manner. If she ignores these refusals and keeps putting pressure on you to spend personal time, you'll want to have a meeting with her - off the job. Try once again to explain that you have become very uncomfortable with the relationship. Directly ask her to understand and accept your feelings and allow for it to become a respectful, strictly professional relationship. If your supervisor is a high-level career woman who has simply not established a healthy life outside work, she should be responsive to such a request. If not, you've got a more serious problem. Clearly, you can not continue to go along with the current situation as it is corrosive, professionally and personally. If you have tried to become quietly effective in making the necessary changes to no avail, you need to take care of yourself in a more proactive manner. While there are volumes written about how the more powerful male supervisor can abuse a lower-level female employee, there is less written when it is female-to-female. The options for remedy vary from one-on-one confrontation (which you would already have tried to no good result); getting your HR department involved (understanding that there is clear evidence that you also fostered the situation); or facing the fact that you've helped to create an unhealthy relationship that can not be salvaged on or off the job. In any event, remember - you are NOT a victim. You have been a participant and you are responsible for how you are being treated. If you've made this mistake in an arena where someone else has overwhelming authority, someone who does not seek the same distancing solution that you propose, you may have lost this battle. But, in leaving for a better situation, you've won the war against victimization and manipulation. Many people stay in jobs that are no longer good for them because they feel constrained by their present experience or because they fear change. In this case, your move towards interdependence rather than codependence will result in major professional and personal improvements. Also see: • Ask Joyce your workplace questions • More questions • One-on-one business coaching Disclaimer: The information in this column is intended to provide the reader with general ideas or concepts to be used as part of a broader base of knowledge they collect to determine their own best course of action and solutions most suitable for solving their workplace challenges. The information in this column is not guaranteed to be the appropriate solution for each individual.