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Ask the Expert: Finding Balance Natalie Gahrmann is a success coach and owner of N-R-G Coaching Associates, a private coaching company that specializes in helping working parents achieve mastery of work and life. Her clients experience more clarity, direction and alignment while reducing stress in their busy lives.
Working Outside the Home and Childcare DilemmasJulie writes, "I am a working mother of a 2 1/2 year. old boy. I have been considering leaving work for 6 months to a year for a couple of reasons but mostly because my son seems to be exhibiting some behavior that comes through when I am working and not at home, he is not listening, he has problems settling in at night, he is more temperamental and less focused. He is also having dreams in which he repeatedly says "mommy come back, mommy come back, my mommy is coming back". I recently changed child care because of this and it has improved. He is now in nursery school instead of home care. If I am on my days off he does not do this and is much more content. We recently returned from a holiday in which all of us were there. He did not display any of this behavior until we got back and returned to work. My dilemma is that my husband and I are both very busy people and not only does my son spend 3 full days at nursery school but often 2-3 days a week he has someone else with him, not always the same person, in the evening and I am not sure if this is the best for my son. I am not sure his development is effected by this. I feel extremely guilty and have this on my mind most of the day and night. My quilt also stems from the fact that I earn considerably more than my husband and feel that I am being financially irresponsible to my family by taking this time off. "Answer: I count 4 main issues in your note: your son's behavior, the child care arrangements, your guilt, and your financial needs. Your son needs consistency of caregivers in a loving and nurturing environment. He needs to be able to trust that you will be back when you say you will. Child experts recognize several stages of separation anxieties that children experience at various phases of their life; it seems like your son may be experiencing a case of separation anxiety. And, you are exhibiting anxieties and guilt that your son is picking up on, as well. If you can manage these feelings better, your son will be positively affected. Taking 6 months to a year off may or may not be a good thing overall. At some point, your son will have to deal with your return to work and you will both have to go through the transition again. Evaluate the situation fully so that you understand the real problem and seek solutions to the problem and not just the symptoms. Switching his child care arrangements seems like it helped alleviate some of the problem. Perhaps, next you can minimize the shuffling between caregivers so that your son experiences more consistency and is able to build trusting relationships with others in his life. Taking positive actions to resolve the problem will help relieve the guilt you are feeling. No one has a crystal ball to know exactly what the future will bring. Address the problems your son is having now instead of worrying about what may (or may not) develop in the future. Decide on what's best for your son and trust in your decision. Stop second guessing yourself, instead regularly re-evaluate what's best, what's working and what's not working so that you can take corrective actions, if necessary. Stick with whatever decision you make so that your son begins getting more stability in his life. If taking time off will effect you financially, you'll benefit by cutting back on your expenditures and simplifying your life. Begin building a financial reserve so that you have a supply of money 'in the bank' to cover emergencies and some of the on-going expenses. You may be able to seek other employment options or alternatives that help alleviate the shuffling between caregivers for your son. Perhaps, your husband may be able to advance his career opportunities and earnings potential by broadening his skills or switching jobs. In the end, it must be your decision to decide what to do about your career. Others may have input (whether you ask for it, or not!) but you need to decide what's best for you and your family based on your priorities and values. Hope this helps! Best regards, Coach Natalie
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