By Gwen Moran
Think of the last time you faced a situation where you had to stand up for yourself or ask for something that you needed. Did you find yourself having difficulty voicing your needs? Did you overreact if the other person was not receptive to your message? Or, perhaps you avoided the situation altogether, putting your own needs last.
Whether you were explaining to a friend that she hurt your feelings or asking your boss for a raise, these are common responses, especially among women. As a communications professional, I routinely see examples - even among executives and entrepreneurs - of these communication pitfalls. Fostered by societal expectations to be collaborative and nurturing, the challenge of direct, needs-oriented communication is often difficult for women. This can have long-lasting effects ranging from poor relationships to slower career advancement. Some of the most common habits are:
Soft Language
Using words like "maybe" or "I wish" instead of "I need" or "I want" softens your language and may cause confusion about whether your message is a request, demand or suggestion. The person with whom you're speaking may perceive your message as a suggestion rather than a request or statement and take it less seriously.
Questioning vs. Stating
Turning statements into questions, such as "That's a great color, right?" or "We should take advantage of this sale, don't you think?" make your wishes unclear. The recipient of your message may think that you're asking a question and may not hesitate to give you a response directly the opposite of what you're stating.
Reluctance to Resolve
When met with a negative response to their communication, some leave it at that. However, your perception of a negative response may not be correct. If you meet with a negative response, it's important to restate your need and communicate that you wish to work toward a compromise. You may find that the other person was simply expressing an opinion or is open to working toward a healthy compromise.
Body Language Betrayal
You may state your needs well, but if your body language is communicating something else, you can be sure that others will pick up on it. Be aware of facial expressions, nervous habits, such as biting your nails or wringing your hands, and other tip-offs that what you're saying may not really be what you mean.
If you find yourself having difficulty communicating, the following steps might help.
- Define what it is that you need and why.
Knowing your needs and wants and why they exist gives you resolution to create positive outcomes. Evaluate the needs of the other person and think of possible solutions that will benefit both of you.
- Anticipate possible responses.
When you know the person to whom you'll be communicating, this is sometimes easier, but run through the various responses that you might receive and your rebuttals to each. It may be helpful to "script" each, writing down the potential conversation and rehearsing your responses. This helps you to avoid being caught off guard.
- Relax.
Often, we overestimate the potential negative consequences. This can create fear and make communicating your needs more difficult. Most of the time, the worst that can happen is that our request is refused and we look for other solutions.
- State it.
Once you've rehearsed and relaxed, go for it!
- Evaluate.
When your exchange is finished, take some time to go over how it could have been better or recognize what you've done well. Don't beat yourself up if it didn't go as intended! Instead, look for other ways to have those needs fulfilled.
The first few times that you try being direct, it may feel uncomfortable. With practice, you will become more skilled at communicating effectively, increasing your positive results.
Also see:
• Career Planning: 10 practical steps for those too busy to plan
• Negotiating for a raise
• Searchable Salary Database
• Ask Career Coach Kathleen Wells your questions
Gwen Moran is a communications and public relations professional. E-mail her at gwen@BoostYourBiz.com
