Sherry Maysonave is the founder and president of Empowerment Enterprises, one of America's leading communication-image firms. Sherry conducts corporate seminars and coaches executives, professionals, and politicians in achieving excellence in communication and image. She is also the author of Casual Power: How to Power Up your Nonverbal Communication and Dress Down for Success
Career Advancement
Question: Sherry,
I don't have a problem communicating over the phone, but as soon as people see me, it is: push this honey over and no respect. I need to change that. Do you have any suggestions?
Barbara
Answer: Dear Barbara,
I applaud you for recognizing the problems these responses could create for you and your willingness to change and to receive feedback.
For this response from others to occur repeatedly, there is a major discrepancy between the power of your voice tones and your physical being. Take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself what those inconsistencies are really about. For example, are you presenting yourself, including hair and clothing in a little girlish style? Do you appear as a waif, frail and ill? Are you extremely shy and timid, suppressing an inordinate fear of face-to-face encounters, especially conflict? Are you sloppily attired conveying that you do not respect yourself? Do you have poor grooming habits? Do you appear poverty stricken? Is your posture slumped, shoulders down apologizing for your very being? Do you need skin care or cosmetic dentistry work? The list is endless, but these questions reflect the primary reasons why people would immediately discount you upon first impression. In chapter three of Casual Power, there is a "Positive Response" questionnaire that determines on what level you are currently operating. The questions are quite enlightening; I suggest that you take a look at it and follow the directions outlined in the book.
While there are certain things in our physical being that we cannot change, like growing taller, there are numerous areas that can be positively affected by even minor changes. Our entire demeanor and the nonverbal messages we send (and we are ALWAYS sending them) can be changed completely. It requires some soul searching, followed up with practice and consistency of positive habits -- daily habits of respecting and valuing you.
Try out these empowering approaches to enhancing your ability to command respect:
- Practice standing (and sitting) tall
with your shoulders back. Appear confident and proud of yourself, even if you do not feel it on the inside. The beauty of this circular process is that by acting as if, you will begin to receive positive responses from others, then your self-esteem is automatically elevated. This nurtures your ego and spirit, you feel better about yourself which creates more positive responses -- all part of a healthy cycle.
- Make eye contact with everyone, and maintain it.
If you have difficulty with this, try practicing with yourself in the mirror or set up 5-minute practice sessions with a very dear friend -- someone you trust. While it may sound simple, this is a powerful exercise. Make a habit of really seeing people, look them in the eye, even waiters in restaurants, bank tellers, etc.
- Develop a powerful handshake.
Extend your fingers and slide your palm all the way forward into the other person's hand. Then give their hand a good grip. Don't break their wrist, but let them know that you are alive and well. If someone extends their hand to you in a downward fashion, this says that they want to be in control and believe that they can dominate you. In this case, take their hand but turn it sideways into a normal handshake position. Without saying a word, you have let them know that you are not a door mat or easily controlled. Always make eye contact when shaking hands with others.
- Find your "Power Stance!"
Stand with your feet apart; try several variances of widths. For most women, it's a few inches apart with your feet firmly planted. Stand tall with shoulders back and feel your innate power run through your body. It's there, but it may take practice to connect with it. The next empowering step is to stand in your power position in front of a window (looking outdoors onto a pleasant scene) every day or at least three days a week for 5 to 15 minutes. Keep your eyes open; keep your attention on your body and at the same time on a tree, flowers, a building, or an object in the outdoor scene.
- Use mirror work to support your personal development.
Look directly into your eyes every day. Name at least one thing you love about yourself. Or simply tell yourself (while maintaining eye contact with your reflection in the mirror), "I love you, Barbara and I honor and respect you."
- Dress to command respect every day of the week.
Whether you're going casual or dressed up, wear only clothing that looks great on you and only clothing that makes you feel great about yourself. Go for coordinated outfits that suit your body type and coloring.
- Groom yourself to command respect every day of the week.
Get a great haircut. Wear makeup. Be squeaky clean. Maintain your shoes; decrepit shoes get zero respect.
The world treats you as you treat yourself. I encourage you to value yourself in every way possible. You are not alone. For multiple reasons -- in the American society -- worthiness and acceptance issues, as well as fully loving ourselves, are tougher battles to win for women than for men. You're worth it. Go for it!
Best of luck to you,
Sherry Maysonave
Also see:
The law firm I work for just adopted business casual dress policy. What should I wear?
Should I buy new post-pregnancy clothes?
Ask your image questions
Personal Power: A case study from 'Casual Power'
