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Ask the Image Expert Sherry Maysonave is the founder and president of Empowerment Enterprises, one of America's leading communication-image firms. Sherry conducts corporate seminars and coaches executives, professionals, and politicians in achieving excellence in communication and image. She is also the author of Casual Power: How to Power Up your Nonverbal Communication and Dress Down for Success
Gaining ConfidenceQuestion: I belong to a weight loss group called TOPS (take of pounds sensibly). There are a lot of women who will never be as thin a they wish. The need some confidence. One way is to dress and look good no matter what you weight. I believe that if you feel good about yourself, you will look confident and you will start to lose weight. Our programs every week are done by members and I would like to do one on dressing and feel good will you lose weight. Be confident no matter what you weight. Can you please help me help them and myself in feeling good? If you have any information or other Web sites that might help, please let me know. I live in Canada and I have enjoyed your Web site and have recommended it to a lot of my tops pals and friends.Sharon Answer: Congratulations on your TOPS membership; it is an excellent program. Authentic confidence and real beauty are not synonymous with being thin. Let’s look to Merriam Webster for a practical definition of the word, confidence. CONFIDENCE: a feeling or consciousness (or awareness) of one's powers (or abilities) or of reliance on one's circumstances. CONFIDENCE stresses faith in oneself and one's powers without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance. Synonyms for confidence: ASSURANCE, SELF-POSSESSION, and APLOMB. (Aplomb means a state of mind or a manner marked by easy coolness and freedom from uncertainty or embarrassment.) With these definitions in mind, it’s clear that feeling good about yourself is not about always looking cool or thin. And it is not about being arrogant or acting superior. Instead, feeling confident has to do with believing in yourself, in your abilities to handle varying situations. So, your first assignment is to make a list of your strengths and all the varying types of situations that you can handle well. Don’t worry about who will read this list; it is for you. Write down anything that comes to mind, including things like giving the dog a bath, shaving your legs, etc. Keep this ongoing list in a file or book where you can add new pages. Write at least two entries a day, focusing on what you do well or can handle (even barely handle). Do not allow thoughts about what you don’t do well enter the picture. Kick those out. You may want to introduce this exercise to your TOPS group and make it a group effort, with humorous sharing. Secondly, do the miracle-mirror exercise at least once a day. It goes like this: Look deeply into your own eyes and proclaim these affirming statements to yourself. "I am bubbling over with self-confidence; I am a powerhouse. I am a resourceful person; thus, I can handle many varied situations." Repeat this up to three times while looking into your own eyes. You are absolutely correct; you can look good and feel good even when you carry extra weight. When working with clients, I hear self-defeating proclamations again and again. Most people say, "Now Sherry, I don’t want to buy any new clothes until I lose some weight." That is the voice of their personal saboteur wanting to keep them stuck. Conversely, I encourage people to buy at least one new outfit that is attractive on them just as they are. The results are generally amazing. They feel better about themselves; they receive compliments and positive feedback which in turn motivates them to follow a “desired-weight” program. By the way, be careful with your use of words, particularly words such as “lose” and “loss.” It’s a natural reaction for the subconscious mind to get scared or nervous when it contemplates “losing” something, even pounds. That alone can sabotage the best diet plans as the subconscious mind controls us much more than we consciously know. I suggest that you follow the "Vertical Dressing" tips outlined in chapter 5 of my book, Casual Power. There are numerous slenderizing principles that can help you look chic, well coordinated, and slimmer regardless of how much you weigh. The body-type section beginning on page 202 also has useful information regarding your body type, particularly your hip set, which never changes regardless of weight. Depending upon your hip line (it’s a bone structure thing) there are styles that flatter you and ones that don’t, styles that add extra visual weight and styles that illusion off pounds, visually speaking. It’s prudent to learn what those styles are relevant to your bone structure. To inspire greater confidence while you operate your desired-weight program, get a striking new hairdo, if you do not have one already. Get your makeup done or updated. Wear earrings that flatter your face shape. Power up with good-looking accessories that draw attention to your best features. And yes, you do have them. I have traveled almost around the world, and I have yet to meet a woman who was not beautiful and highly attractive in some way. Lastly, I encourage you to have a session with your TOPS group where you take turns giving each other "positive feedback" showers. Select one member to be it; she/he stands in the front of the room with their arms extended out to the sides in open posture. The rest of the group showers them with positive feedback. It must be the truth (remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder) and it must be positive. Use only one or two words at a time, in popcorn fashion, just calling them out in a loud voice. Things like, "you are _________" …beautiful, …smart, …creative, …unique…kind, etc. Or things like, "you have_________" …great lips, …a great smile, …integrity, ...a sense of humor, etc. The "it" person’s job is simply to receive all the positive feedback. Do not shower more than two or three people a session or the exercise becomes rote, losing meaning. Have one or two people act as recorders, writing down the list of things said to each "it" person. Give the list to the "it" person to keep and reread at later times. This can be a very healing, confidence-boosting exercise when done with heartfelt intent.
Best of luck to you,
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