From a Dad's View We All Want to Change the World By David Pereyra Liesl plays on the front porch picking up books, spinning, trying to coax a song from me. "Hey daddy, hey. Can you sing some more?" she coos, "Hey daddy, hey!" She favors this drill. Punching buttons until I respond. "Hey . . . hey." Iım trying to write this while thinking of some type of diversion. Just a moment's peace. "Hey hey, daddy!" Where are your children? School? Daycare? In the other room? A loaded question, sure. While Bette was pregnant with our soon-to-be three year old I'd asked myself variations of this question. Who will take care of my baby? Should we put her in daycare? Hire at-home daycare? A nanny? I couldn't face turning her out into the world so young, pink and defenseless.. We decided to manage things differently, to our thinking anyway. A marketing vice president at a multi-billion dollar company, Bette is voluntarily and happily swimming through corporate waters. She thrives in her chosen environment, with my encouragement and total support. After the baby arrived and we were off and running, our course become apparent to us. I would manage this baby thing. I'd take care of Liesl. I will be daycare. I will be at-home daycare and nanny, too. We'll save on money, not really accounting for lost income from my at-home effort. Bringing Up Baby Ours was a casual, on-the-go decision. As a partner in a small but busy marketing design studio, I felt at the height of my powers and volunteered to work my schedule around bringing up the baby. Total commitment, I decided. I am the future of parenting. With boundless energy, I radiate youth or near youth or an aging kind of youth. My secret thoughts, long-dormant reformist hopes and dreams would be channeled into my child. She would surely be dynamic, a savvy technologist, perhaps a new kind of documentarian. At the least, a celebrity. There'll be music, and reading, and dancing, and straight talk and absolute attention. She'll be fully integrated into our lives, early. We will shine and people will point to us and whisper in admiration and envy. I took on the task. I am young and oh so powerful. Climb aboard my little one, my small family, and I will walk us to the future. I learned very quickly. John Lennon Showed Me the Way In my mind, the parenting paradigm shifted with John Lennon and Yoko Ono in the late 1970s. A very public couple who very publicly did things differently. John Lennon became the #1 stay-at-home dad (SAHD). He dropped out of sight, changed Sean's diapers, baked bread, and, one assumes, played piano. Meanwhile Yoko went out and did, well, whatever it is that Yoko Ono does. So when faced with the enormous issues and complexities of crafting the right home environment for Liesl, I stepped aside and let Bette have the inside career track. I watched her accelerate, a bit enviously, I admit, but I stayed home and tended to the nestling. Our compromise was the house. We bought a rambling house with too much yard, next to the downtown area where Bette works. This will be my job we agreed. I'll fix up the house, my fate sealed. When She Makes More "What do you do? Really. . . . Hmmm, you mean you don't have a job? That's great that you get to spend so much time with your daughter, but really, when are you going back to work?" I can feel the heat, the hyperactive job market, the sheer abandon and goldrush mentality. Of course, I know, raising children is not a job. As the New New New Way redefines us all, am I falling behind, failing? Have I spent too much time involved with my family, talking to a person who doesn't quite speak in complete sentences? We're defined by what we do, whether at work or in the world at large. That's a fact. The heavy lifter, the bacon bearer is king or queen at home, the office, or most anywhere. We measure success by some alchemical market capitalization. You make this much money, so you get that much slack and appreciation. Bringing up a baby doesn't generate much revenue and when I went into this stay-at-home thing I forgot to figure in the fact that John Lennon was very, very rich. I rely on Bette for money. Sure, I have and even like, money. But it pales in comparison. These nuances can throw you. For me, it's like the college days all over again. Empty wallet. Rifling through pockets for change or asking, "uh, Bette, Iım meeting friends out and . . . oh, sure, thanks, thatıs plenty!" Humbled. Free Your Mind Instead Bette is a BlueSuitMom. Her role is well-defined; she has solid corporate credentials, a set schedule, secretary, built-in support network. She tests her skills daily, manages a large staff and enormous budget, deals with the complexities of our changing e-conomy. There's certainly pace to her activities. As a SAHD I free float and experience disconnect. Oddly enough, Bette and I rarely have any clashes over cash flow. She makes much more money than I do at the moment and in return I take the time she's given me and invest it into her and Liesl. And myself. We constantly review our goals, make adjustments. I appreciate Bette's efforts. I can see on her face the sacrifice it takes to commit to a career and then to carve out mother space. It helps her enormously that Liesl has poppi at home. I know this when Bette calls at 7 p.m. and says that she'll be a bit late from the office, has to get a coupla more things done. That feeling we had of somehow abandoning our child to the world is lessened by my attendance. Call it compromise. Call it circumstance. Call it the way. Recent Columns From a Dad's View • When the BlueSuitMom has to travel • Enjoying life in the slow lane David Pereyra is a stay-at-home dad and the other half of a BlueSuitMom.		R e l a t e d Fatherhood Conferences The Third Annual National Summit on Fatherhood, Friday & Saturday, June 2 & 3, 2000, Hyatt Regency Washington on Capitol Hill, 400 New Jersey Avenue N.W., Washington, D.C. Among this year's awardees are: country musician Tim Mcgraw and former NFL quarterback Jim Kelly. Featured topics include Creating Local Fatherhood Initiatives; Creating State Fatherhood Initiatives; "What Ever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?"; The 6 Basics of Being a Great Dad; and, Working with At-Home Dads