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Parenting Advice 
Karen Deerwester, Ed.S. - Parent Educator and Early Childhood
Specialist,
founder and CEO of Family Time, Inc., and consultant. In 17 years of
classes,
seminars, and one-on-one coaching, Karen has supported thousands of
parents
in their efforts to build great foundations for children. Karen is
uniquely
committed to helping parents become problem solvers in the large and
small
questions that arise "living with children."
Decision Making in Blended FamiliesQuestion: My husband of 4 years is step-father to my 11 year old son. I was a single parent for 4 years prior to my second marriage to him. He does not have children of his own, and we have been working for the past 4 years on ways to communicate our differences in discipline styles as well as our differences in time "well spent" with my son, both as a family as well as him "one on one" with the child. Recently, my husband's work load has increased to the point of him having to travel for the majority of the work week. He has been out of town an average of 3 days a week for the last 2 months. While he is away, I am basically once again a single parent. I have accepted this role, and do not have a problem making day to day decisions, etc. in his absence. However, when he does come home, he wants to resume his "role" as if he never left, even though the differences in our ideas of everything from discipline to showing affection with my son persist. I am often accused of softening the "rules" and am having to explain day to day decisions that are made while he is away. I am feeling resentful of his attitude, etc. and wonder what I can do to alleviate my dilemma before the situation exacerbates to the point of no return?- Shari Answer: Your Question: Co-parenting, in all families, must balance two important principles: respect for individual differences and a commitment to shared goals. Family rules and priorities should remain consistent whether your husband travels or remains at home. Otherwise, you invite divisiveness into your family: parent against parent or parent against child. It will be much easier to follow the same rules and routines when you are both honest about what really matters and what you are both willing to act on. Sit down with your husband and make a list of each of your strengths (affectionate, flexible, goal-oriented, disciplined, great sense of humor, etc.). Use these lists to discuss what each of you teaches and models for your son. Do you both agree that you son will learn an enormous amount from both of you? Children benefit from differences in parenting styles and priorities. You are not your husband and he is not you. You can still honor one another's unique presence in the family. Are there any personality traits that either of you believe is a negative influence? Be careful here because the majority of our weaknesses are merely the flip side of one of our strengths. For example, an easy-going parent may add a lot of joy and humor to the family but may fail to insist that homework be redone until correct. Try to talk about these personality traits without criticism but rather in terms of what is best for your son. Make a list of the areas in which you disagree. It may take time to build consistency between you. On some issues, you may simply agree to disagree. For example, you may choose to eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner when your husband is away or allow an extra half hour of computer games. Just be honest about the impact of your decisions on your son. Are you teaching what's important to you? If the answer is yes, explain to your husband that you will follow other mutually agreed upon rules but need him to respect your judgment on others. Parents do not have to change who they are to become more "perfect" parents. The best parenting comes from leading with your strengths and problem solving from your weaknesses. All parents have weaknesses (hot spots and soft spots). But you can define a set of family rules and routines that matches your family goals. The hardest part of being a parent is doing what's right, not according to some external standard of right but according to what you truly value. Write a family mission statement. Decide together where you want to put your efforts. This will take consensus building. Hold on-going family meetings to continually clarify your family goals. Include your son in this process and he will learn a valuable lesson about working together. It takes vision to find ways to make family life a place where everyone's needs are met: mom, dad, and child. Families work best when they create a space for everyone to feel loved and nurtured.
Good Luck,
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