Death of a loved one can offer children valuable lessons for life By Debbie Glasser Schenck Many adults experience great difficulty coping with the illness or death of a loved on and find it particularly challenging to talk about these issues with their children. Often parents want to protect their children from painful events and prefer not to talk about them. Other parents would like to talk about theses issues with their children but do not know what to say. Parents often grapple with questions such as: How much is enough information to share with the children? When do I talk to my child about death? What does my child now about death? What do I tell them? Children are actually exposed to issues of death and dying from an early age. Animated characters in motion pictures die. Plants die. Insects and other animals die. These all provide opportunities for parents to talk to their children about the life cycle and process of death in a gradual and developmentally appropriate way. Listen to your children's questions… Answer them as honestly and directly as you can in ways that are consistent with your beliefs. There are no easy answers. Every family has unique personal and religious beliefs that determine how they understand and explain death. For example, some families share beliefs about an afterlife with their children while others do not. Provide enough information that is appropriate for your child's age and level of development. For example, a 4-year-old's questions about his grandfathers' illness will typically require a less detailed and more general response than that of a 12 year old. Be careful not to describe death as "sleeping" or "resting". This may elicit bedtime fears among young children. Young children may fear that you will become this ill too. While you cannot promise your children that you will live forever, you can reassure them that you are here for them and they will always be loved and cared for. As difficult a time as this is, it is helpful to identify beliefs, feelings and support systems that are most relevant to your and share them with our children. If your religious beliefs bring comfort during this time, let your children know this. If you find it is helpful to talk about the special times you have shared with your father-in-law over the years, include your children in this process. If you are tearful, or notice your children acting sad or frightened, acknowledge these feelings. They are all part of the grieving process. During these times, children learn many lessons. They are learning about grieving, about how to say goodbye to someone special and how their loved ones cope with crises and loss. When you are available to listen, provide honest information, and share coping strategies, you will nurture and support your children at this very challenging time and teach them valuable lessons. Debbie Glasser Schenck, Ph.D., is the director of Fanily Support Services at Nova Southeastern University.