I was a pregnant mother of teenagers By Paula Levenson I don't think I really understood what it meant to be pregnant at 40 until the moment I broke the news to my children -- a teenager girl and a pre-teen boy from my first marriage. "You can't be pregnant- you're too old" my 14 year old daughter blurted out and then promptly burst into tears. While it doesn't take much to inspire melodrama in a hormonal 14 year old, I was somewhat perplexed at the reaction. "… and the baby can't have my room when I go to college," "….and I'm not babysitting on Saturday nights," "…and I'm not…" and on and on. Then my 11-year-old son added, "And I'm not watching Barney videos!" The intensity in the reactions of my two children really hit home. It made me realize that in a family dynamic, where each child has a prescribed spot, the prospect of change is, by its very nature, threatening. Children like the security of sameness. And having been through the turmoil of a divorce, their father's and my subsequent remarriage to other partners, too many things that were out of their control had already taken place. It also dawned on me, that having a baby when you already have two older children brings with it a whole range of challenges that I had never really considered. Gone are the days of sitting with your 3-year-old on your lap reading Bernstein Bear books about bringing home their new baby sister or brother. No more buying baby dolls that wet and cry and crawl. Now I was dealing with the realities of two fully cognizant individuals whose needs seemed to inherently conflict with the needs of a tiny new baby. Would I still be able to take them to their endless social events? What about sharing family resources? Homework help? Soccer practice? Trips to the mall? And most importantly, what about their very unique emotional needs? And the list went on. Several months have passed since my children found out about the new baby. In that time, I have watched an evolution take place. My children have been encouraged to express their feelings of ambivalence about the baby. Each in his and her own way, has told me about their fear of being displaced in my affection. Each has told me how they think that by loving and caring for a new baby, I won't have time, energy and inclination to love and care for them. And through it all, I have tried to validate their feelings without judging, scolding or dismissing. In this unconditional environment, my kids have been able to deal with their feelings honestly and openly. Through this process, I am learning too. I am learning that kids, be they 4 or 14, have the same fundamental needs. They need to know that their unique place in the family infrastructure remains intact, no matter what. They need to know that having negative feelings about a new baby are okay. And more importantly, they need to know that they can express these feelings to me without fear of negative repercussions. Being 40 years old, with an increased risk of fetal abnormalities due to my age, our doctor had recommended that I have an amniocentesis. It was during the long weeks of waiting until I was far along enough to have the test (17 weeks) and then waiting for the results (another two weeks) that my children seemed to undergo a profound change. It was as if the very act of verbalizing their feelings, and my subsequent validation of these feelings was enough for them to resolve them and move on. By not expecting them to love the idea of having a baby brother and sister, I seemed to have given them the ability to accept the arrival of a new baby on their own terms. So when the favorable results of the amniocentesis finally arrived, my family experienced a truly telling moment. My daughter hugged me with tears of joy, my son promised to lift and carry anything heavy for me for the duration of the pregnancy, and soon they were both eagerly writing lists of proposed baby names. And while I know that the challenges are far from over (in fact- they are really just beginning), I feel confident that my children will embrace the baby, when it finally arrives, secure in the knowledge that their spots in the family unit are and always will be unique and special. Paula Levenson is the mother of two and the stepmother of two and expecting a new baby later this year.