Even Super Moms Need a Supportive Spouse

By Kathleen Wells, Ph.D

For years successful women have prided themselves on being able to do it all themselves. They managed to obtain phenomenal career success while still having time to raise a family, but just imagine how much easier it could be if there was a supportive spouse there to help you pick up the pieces when you feel overwhelmed.

"Super Mom is dropping in her tracks with exhaustion, so it's time for men to cut her a little slack," so says Ruth Ledesma, President of Ledesma Associates. We all need and want the support of our spouses, both in personal endeavors and careers.

Communication is the first key to gaining support. Rose Mary Smith, M.A., L.P.C., who owns Alternatives and Resolutions Counseling Services, says good communication and respect are the basis for ensuring we get the support we deserve. Smith feels that if a couple does not strive to achieve good communication skills, then one or both parties will feel disrespected, unloved and unsupported. Couples need to be open to discussing all their career concerns and issues.

Respect is the second half of the communication package. Remember that what you send out comes back to you. Are you being completely understanding and supportive of your spouse regardless of his career decisions? If not, how can you expect to receive support in return? Be sure that you are modeling the behavior you want returned to you. Smith says that in order to gain respect we must "earn it and return it."

Ledesma believes you must look at the reasons your spouse is not as supportive as he could be. The lack of support is generally based on four major fears.

The first is the fear that the career will take all your attention from him. Focus on your priorities and motivations. If you truly want to balance career and family, set aside specific time to be with your spouse. Good, quality time without work interruptions. Show him, he is not losing you by supporting you in your career goals and that, by supporting your career choices; the goals become a joint goal with both parties vested in the outcome.

Second, is his fear that you will not have time for the children. Reassure your husband about your commitment to your family. Regularly schedule time to spend with him and the children. Ledesma recommends that you model this behavior for him and be sure he is doing the same, making time for you and the family as well.

Third, is the fear that he will be more responsible for the daily running of the home than he wants to be. This is where fairness comes into play. Many men have come a long way here, but some still have a ways to go. With both of you pursuing career goals, home duties should be divided between the two of you, not to mention the children of an appropriate age to help. Neither person should be carrying the entire responsibility for maintaining the home. Ledesma makes a very good point that if your husband gets used to the idea that his presence is important to the success of your children, he will learn to be needed for himself rather than for the income he can generate. Then he can relax and enjoy the rewards of being more closely involved. And don't we all want to be needed for ourselves anyway?

Finally there is a fear that you will be more successful than he is. My husband always kidded around about making more money than I did, but when my career began to take off and his remained stable, it ruffled a few feathers when my salary surpassed his. Even though he said he'd love for me to make more because as a family we'd have more, it went against his traditional grain. Be sure your husband is supported in his own endeavors, show him how you value his success, thereby, modeling the kind of support you want for your own success.

Total support can be attained if you follow the following rules:

  • Communicate your needs and desires while being open to hear what your spouse's concerns are.
  • Alleviate the legitimate fears that your spouse addresses.
  • Finally, know that unconditional love for you will allow your spouse to believe in you no matter what. To know you can succeed at anything you undertake and to support you to that end.
Return to your spouse respect and unconditional love and accept nothing less for yourself. You deserve nothing less, and neither does he. Together you can achieve great things.

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Dr. Kathleen Wells is the a professional career coach specializing in career transitions and resume services. Contact her at doctorw1@frontiernet.net