Emotional Wellness Mary Symmes is the founder of Self Investment Strategies and a life coach devoted to the empowerment of working women. Mary is also a clinical social worker in Alexandria, Va. Visit her Web site at SelfInvestmentStrategies.com Dealing with Difficult People at Work Question: In the last couple months I've discovered that I can't stand a co-worker and I sometimes blow my fuse around her. In a recent meeting, she was essentially making excuses for why her employees can't get their job done. She was complaining about how they are overworked. I'd just about had it. If they are so overworked, why do they all go home exactly at 5 p.m. and take two-hour lunches? So, I decided to confront her about it and basically told her she needed to learn how to effectively manage her staff or she should go elsewhere. She got very defensive and it wasn't a good conversation. Is there a way that I can channel my irritation and be able to effectively communicate with her. This only seems to be a problem when she is around. Rose Answer: Dear Rose, What you describe is a fairly common work issue - dealing with a difficult person. I'm going to suggest a couple of techniques for you to use immediately, and also some reading for later. The first thing to remember about people we may be having overly intense reactions to is that the intensity comes from an issue within ourselves! It may be that her personality or the way she "makes excuses" reminds you of a family member you have problems with, or even of some aspect of yourself that you don't like. Take some time to think about this possibility. Also, sit down with a co-worker you trust and write down all the things that bother you about your other colleague. With your co-worker's feedback, refine your reactions into one or two basic themes. For instance, does your irritation with her boil down to the fact that you think she is irresponsible? Doesn't pull her share of the load? Gets special treatment from management? Reminds you of your needy mother? Causes an internal pull on you to have to "make up" her work for her? Once you have figured out this theme, then think about how you can convey your points to her without losing your temper. Try to convey your thoughts without getting into a parental, or authoritarian stance. For instance, you could say "Sally, I hear you saying that your employees are all overworked. I've noticed, though, that most days they take very long lunches and are always out of the office by 5. It just doesn't make sense to me - can you explain your point of view?" If she responds defensively - "You are really exaggerating, they only did that once in the last month," then you could counter with "Well, I observed that happening on April 1, 5, 6, 7, and 8 of this month. Was there something unusual about that period of time?" and so on. You need to think out what you want to convey and use facts and examples, rather than blaming or general criticism. There are a number of good books to read about managing difficult people. Here are my recommendations: Since Strangling Isn't An Option by Sandra Crowe How to Work with Just About Anyone by Lucy Gill Coping with Difficult People by Robert Bramson Also see: Strategies for dealing with difficult people Other Recent Questions: I just started a business, and I can't stop worrying I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair. How can I find out? Ask Mary your questions The above is for general information only and is not intended to substitute for professional mental health treatment. Individuals should consult licensed professionals as needed.