Emotional Wellness Mary Symmes is the founder of Self Investment Strategies and a life coach devoted to the empowerment of working women. Mary is also a clinical social worker in Alexandria, Va. Visit her Web site at SelfInvestmentStrategies.com Husband Works A Lot Question: My husband works 80+ hours a week at his law firm, and when he is home he seems so distant from me that I am worried he may be having an affair or something. How can I figure out what is going on? Answer: You have brought up a problem that is widespread in our society, namely workaholism. This compulsive focus of all one's time and energy on work is very rewarded, even demanded, by many professions. Your husband works in a demanding, high pressure environment in which people are usually expected to overwork massively. It is hard not to be swallowed up by such a job. But workaholism is also a very useful and socially sanctioned way to avoid onself (or someone else). Does your husband have a painful, unresolved emotional concern? Were the two of you having any marital trouble, even before he began working such long hours? How much does he drink, or use other drugs? If there are no other factors contributing to your husband's preoccupation, there are two things you may want to talk to him about. First, he may be depleted and anxious to the point that he doesn't even realize it, much less have enough energy to do something about it. Second, he may be finding that this is not a job/life that he really enjoys but thinks he must continue in for some reason. So you might begin your approach by asking him how he feels, how work is going, etc. Listen thoughtfully but don't comment except to clarify what he says. Depending on how the conversation goes, you may then express your concern for him and for your relationship. Do this in a nonblaming way, and suggest some ways for a) him to help himself, and b) both of you to renew the relationship. Think of it as a gentle, loving intervention rather than a confrontation or list of complaints. It may be useful for both of you to go to a therapist for a few sessions to get some objective feedback and suggestions. If you find that he is not open to the conversation, you may want to get counseling yourself. Again, an objective third party may give you insights and tools you can use to help yourself and your husband. It is always good to take action early to solve a relationship problem, before there is so much anger and bitterness that healing is impossible. A couple of books that might be helpful are "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. Some of my clients have also found "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix to be very useful. I hope you will take action soon to begin to solve this problem. Other Recent Questions: I just started a business, and I can't stop worrying I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair. How can I find out? Ask Mary your questions The above is for general information only and is not intended to substitute for professional mental health treatment. Individuals should consult licensed professionals as needed.