Ask the Expert Sandi Esptein coaches clients on home life and work. She also coaches on business issues and has over 15 years experience in marketing and business management with an MBA from Columbia University. Ask her all your work and family balance questions. Thoughts on Raising Children Q: Dear Sandi, I read your advice to the woman who was feeling "guilty" about her career and her kids. I agree that it is in the possibility of integrity that we fulfill on our values. But what if the wife's values differ from the husband's? My fiance and I are just now talking about this. We both want kids, and we pledge to show and share love with our children (when they come into the world). I believe we can have it all, we can both work, and raise kids in a loving home. She wants to be an at-home mom. She has a masters degree in food science, and has an opportunity for a great career with a pharmaceutical company that has terrific benefits and an in-house day care. I want her to take it. She hesitates. He mother voices the opinion "do you want other people raising your kids." And her sister has said that "it is thought to work and raise kids." I believe it is whatever attitude your bring to it. My fiance wants to work and be at home. For me, the idea of at-home mom, is reserved for those whose husbands can afford it, and I believe it is a time past. Not to say it is not wise, or wrong. Jay A: Dear Jay, These are some of the toughest questions you can face in a marriage. You both have forethought to be discussing them now even before the marriage! Know that it is a gift to have a partner you can engage in conversations around conflicts in values and that it is in challenging yourselves to arrive at an answer that works for both of you that you learn and grow in the relationship. From your question, I gather that your concern about her working at home is a financial one. "Can we still have the health insurance, income and stable quality of life we need without the second income?" I am not sure about what your wife's strongest concern is. I would suggest you help her articulate her (not her mother or sister's) values or concerns. Let her express herself without judgement from you. Once you both have defined very clearly what your concerns are, then all is possible. The two of you can figure out how to address both those concerns in a creative manner that satisfies both of you. You must define what aspects of financial stability you most want and preserve these in whatever arrangement you come up with. Your wife must be comfortable in establishing the amount of time she is with the children. Finally, I might add that as you don't yet have the children this is still all quite theoretical. If there is one area of life that proves to be unpredictable it is children. Neither of you know yet what it will feel like to have children, to not work, or to work with those children. What is important takes on new perspective with the addition of children to your marriage. So, just allow yourselves the right not to have to make all the decisions up front and don't close off opportunities now that could work for you later. Also see: • Balancing a career with a young family is rather difficult. What should I do in order not being feel guilty? • Ask Sandi a question • More information on coaching from Sandi