Ask the Expert Sandi Esptein coaches clients on home life and work. She also coaches on business issues and has over 15 years experience in marketing and business management with an MBA from Columbia University. Ask her all your work and family balance questions. Avoiding the Mommy Track? Q: Dear Sandi, I am a 44-year old executive involved in sales and consulting. I've worked hard to develop a very successful business unit within an international firm. Key to my success is being there for my clients. I've also recently become a mother. My husband and I adopted a 14-month-old baby from China. My challenge is to play down my role as a new mother and give my clients and co-workers the reassurances that nothing has changed. But so much HAS changed. We have hired a nanny, but her hours have forced me to reduce my work schedule from 55 hours to 40-45 hours. When I need to leave the office for doctors appointments or when the nanny is ill I feel compelled to lie and say that I have a meeting or that I am sick. I don't want anyone to know that I am taking time off from work to care for my daughter. Where is my husband in all this, you might ask? He has just started a new job and is very reluctant to take time off to be "Mr. Mom." I am the primary breadwinner and now primary parental caregiver. Do I continue to lie to everyone to avoid getting a reputation as a slacker on the mommy track? Elaine A: Dear Elaine, Your question is a very important one because it articulates the dilemma our current culture has posed - do we play to the corporate culture of "work hard at the expense of the family to prove loyalty and credibility" or do we ask for different treatment than our childless peers and suffer the consequences? Given that choice I think we are compelled to change the question and the paradigm. I think it is important not only to ourselves and our families, but also to the many families that follow in our footsteps that we change the paradigm. The question is how do we maintain position, power, and present and future income while working less hours to be there for our families? The answer must be tailored to each situation. Here are the guidelines: 1. Know what you want. How much do you want your work schedule to change - do you want to be able to leave for Dr's appointments and special events, or do you want to go part-time, or do you want to leave work at 5:00 every day to have evenings with the family? 2. Assess your value to the company. Articulate both the economic or measurable value you bring to the company as well as the less easily measured value. If you don't know, seek out feedback. 3. Ask for what you want and don't assume you won't get it. Too many of us lose out for not asking. In order to get what you want you must know what it is and how best to ask for it, then how to negotiate a favorable situation for both sides. Read some books on negotiation. I am reminded of a story a colleague told me about a woman who put her life on hold to get partnership at a top investment bank. After three years she was turned down. Out of frustration she said, "OK lets have it my way." She stayed at the bank, negotiated a part-time position to spend time with her family and enjoyed her life. What happened? In just a couple years, she won partnership. I try to coach individuals to a life of integrity. When we are put in a position to fib or lie about our whereabouts at work in order to stay with an ill child or attend a soccer game we are hurting ourselves far more than our employers (we know we will get our work done - so it is our conscience and our nerves which suffer). Good Luck! Also see: • Balancing a career with a young family is rather difficult. What should I do in order not being feel guilty? • Ask Sandi a question • More information on coaching from Sandi