Emotional Wellness Mary Symmes is the founder of Self Investment Strategies and a life coach devoted to the empowerment of working women. Mary is also a clinical social worker in Alexandria, Va. Visit her Web site at SelfInvestmentStrategies.com Dealing with Custody Issues Question: I am a recently divorced mother of a 4-year old daughter and my ex-husband has accepted a promotion in another state, Hawaii, which he has lived there for about a month now. Since the divorce was my idea, and we have joint custody of our daughter, I felt it wasn't right to go to court to get full custody, knowing that would make my ex even more angry. So we have agreed on, until she starts kindergarten, that she will live with him for four months, then me for four months. He's a great father and she has lots of cousins in Hawaii, but she won't have me. I have talked to a counselor and a lawyer, and they both advised me to go to court. But it just didn't feel right to me. I think it would just make things worse, between my ex & I, and ultimately our daughter. I'm just worried how she is going to be, away from me, in a new home, a new school. We both have talked to her about the situation and she is looking forward to moving, but says she will miss me. I have a lot of guilty feelings because if I had tried harder and my marriage, she would still have her mommy & daddy. But we also agreed that if our daughter is unhappy and not adjusting in Hawaii, she will come home and live with me. Does this sound like it will work and not be devastating to our daughter? - Nicole Answer: You have raised a very complicated and difficult problem. I believe the best way to find your way through it is to look at what is best for your daughter, not for you or your ex-husband. What she needs is a stable home where all her needs are met and she is not subjected to the kind of major trauma and disruption you are talking about. No child, especially one so young, would do well with moving back and forth to different states and not seeing the other parent every 4 months. I believe such an arrangement would cause her a lot of harm, and would be equivalent to emotional child abuse. She needs to live with one or the other of you. The other parent can visit often and perhaps have her for a month or 2 in the summer. I know it will be hard for the noncustodial parent, but your ex-husband should have thought of that before he moved to Hawaii. Which of you can best afford quality child care? You say your ex has family in Hawaii - would they be available to help him care for your daughter? Is either of you planning to remarry? If so, your daughter should live with the nonmarried parent, at least for now. Who makes the most money? Who has the closest relationship with her? Who has better parenting habits? You say you feel guilty because you broke up the marriage - is a reconciliation possible? Do you need to work on your emotional stability before you become an only parent? Does your husband? Are there drug or alcohol or anger problems? If so, they need to be taken care of before either you or your ex embarks on taking care of your daughter all the time. But what you need to focus on the most is to not use your daughter as a ball you can bounce back and forth across the Pacific. Her needs and her welfare need to primary. Both of you need to meet with a child specialist and follow his or her recommendations about which of you should live with this child. She is not on Earth to fill your needs, but the opposite. Please don't do this to her. Mary Symmes Other Recent Questions: I can't decide if I should go back to work after I have a baby or not. Any advice? I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair. How can I find out? Ask Mary your questions The above is for general information only and is not intended to substitute for professional mental health treatment. Individuals should consult licensed professionals as needed.