Emotional Wellness Mary Symmes is the founder of Self Investment Strategies and a life coach devoted to the empowerment of working women. Mary is also a clinical social worker in Alexandria, Va. Visit her Web site at SelfInvestmentStrategies.com Infertility and relationship stress Question: My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year now. We are now going to see a fertility specialist. The whole ordeal has left our relationship strained. I feel like we aren't communicating about anything other than starting a family anymore. It's almost like we are pulling away from each other. What should I do? - Shirley Answer: The best thing for you to do is the hardest thing you could possibly do - try to relax and let go of your focus on conceiving. Yeah, right, you say! Believe me, I know how incredibly powerful the emotions and instincts around reproduction are, and how the longing for a baby can consume you. BUT it has been shown time and time again that more the more anxious you are, the more negative effects there are on fertility. And by now you are seeing clearly the effects of this anxiety and obsessive focus on your relationship. I would imagine that both of you are mega-stressed and are suffering from a lowered sex drive at this point. Relaxation and relationship nurturing are where you need to put your focus for a while. Since I don't know your ages or for how long you have been trying to get pregnant I am just going to suggest some general ideas which you may adapt as you wish. First, focus on relaxation. Get a Yoga or relaxation tape and listen to it at least once a day. Get daily exercise. Practice deep breathing. Get out of town and do something completely unrelated to pregnancy. Get at least a weekly massage! (Human touch is particularly healing and relaxing). Depending on what your doctor is advising, decide not to think about/talk about/pregnancy and don't have sex for at least a week. Instead, go out and play. Be as silly as you can. Find and tell jokes. Tickle each other. Read murder mysteries - you have the idea! Second, focus on each other in a nonsexual way. Offer back rubs, cook a favorite meal, surprise each other with a special secret date you have planned. Make a list of each other's best characteristics and tell each other how much you appreciate them. Talk about when you first met and why you decided to marry each other. Talk about the toll the fertility problems have taken on each of you and what you would like to correct. Appreciate each other's feelings. Explore how to take a break from this, or if you can. You might want to go to a couples' weekend or some other function to enhance your relationship. Or maybe you each want to be alone for awhile - give yourselves permission to do whatever would seem like a relief. Maybe you need to see a therapist to get a new perspective on your relationship or get some practice on stress management. Just remember that if you don't have each other, having and raising a child will be very, very difficult. I hope some of these ideas help, and wish you the very best. Mary Symmes Other Recent Questions: I can't decide if I should go back to work after I have a baby or not. Any advice? I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair. How can I find out? Ask Mary your questions The above is for general information only and is not intended to substitute for professional mental health treatment. Individuals should consult licensed professionals as needed.