Emotional Wellness Mary Symmes is the founder of Self Investment Strategies and a life coach devoted to the empowerment of working women. Mary is also a clinical social worker in Alexandria, Va. Visit her Web site at SelfInvestmentStrategies.com Getting Respect from Others Question: I am a competent English chair, respected and treated well at the school where I teach. Despite my best efforts, though, there are people in my personal life that literally bully and bulldoze over me, trying to make me feel like my views don't count and that I have nothing worthwhile to contribute. Specifically, the strategies I use at work, don't seem to work so well with nasty neighbors and aggressive in-laws. I cannot account for this discrepancy -- between work and my home life. Can you offer some suggestions? Thank you for any insight you may offer. - Virginia Answer: Virginia, my guess is that you are sure of your competence, value, and position at work and that is why you are able to be so much more effective with people there. It may be that your more primal feelings about your worth as a person are those in the forefront outside of work, and so you find you are ineffective dealing with the nasties and bullies in your personal life. Another complication may be that you are afraid of losing something/someone in your personal relationships if you stand up to folks. Would your husband be mad with you if you stood up to your aggressive in-laws? Would your nasty neighbors be any more nasty if you told them when to quit? Do you believe you don't have your husband's emotional backing, not to mention his functional backing, if you change the way you operate with unpleasant people? How is your relationship with your own family? Were you brought up to be a good girl and to be sweet, nice, and self-effacing? It is likely that some very early emotional programming accounts for your issues right now. We tend to recreate in adult life the relationships we observed in our families, primarily our parents, and I would start there if I were your coach or therapist (depending how you want to deal with this problem). We are what gets in our own way, all the time, and many, many different levels. Some books that discuss these ideas further are: The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner and What's Holding You Back, by Linda Austin. If you don't know your Meyers-Briggs type you might want to investigate that and read a lot about it so you understand your temperament and strengths and weaknesses better. And, of course, I always recommend talking with an objective, skilled third party to get information and honest feedback. Good luck. Mary Symmes Other Recent Questions: I can't decide if I should go back to work after I have a baby or not. Any advice? I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair. How can I find out? Ask Mary your questions The above is for general information only and is not intended to substitute for professional mental health treatment. Individuals should consult licensed professionals as needed.