Ask the Expert Dr. Roni Leiderman, Associate Dean at The Family and School Center of Nova Southeastern University, is not only an expert on parenting issues but the working mother of two children. Relationship with step child Question: I recently married a women with a 5-year-old daughter, I love my wife but find it very hard to associate with her daughter. I've never had kids, I'm 30 years old and I don't have a clue on how to develop feelings for her. I'm not a very sensitive person in the first place, how can I develop sensitivity with her? - Jim Answer: Jim, You are more sensitive than you give yourself credit for! You are asking for support and a strategy to connect with your 5 year old step-daughter and that is a great start to building a relationship with your new family. Five year olds love to play. That is the hallmark of this age. And like all children, they also respond to sincerity, attention, and love. Take the time to discover what kinds of things she enjoys. Does she love to go swimming? Does she have a favorite video? Are computers her "thing"? Then create special play opportunities that include these favorite things. Have special times that just the two of you can share. Perhaps you can both fix Sunday morning breakfasts together each weekend while mom sleeps late. Allow her mom to be the main disciplinarian. Respect your wife's parenting style and make attempts to learn about children through books and parenting classes. Learn to read your daughter's cues. There will be times she welcomes you into her world and other times when she simply wants to be alone with her mom and have her full attention. Most importantly, give her time. The adjustments that you are experiencing are even more pronounced to a young child. Her world has been changed and she needs to develop trust and security so that she can feel safe to enjoy, and eventually love you. Enjoy the times you spend with her. Five year olds are wonderful sources of imagination, creativity, fun and play. Your feelings of attachment will naturally emerge and you will both find your new relationship a source of joy. Other recently asked questions • My husband seems to think threatening our three year old daughter is the best way to get her to obey. Problem is that he normally caves and doesn’t follow through. How can I stop this? • My two-year old is beginning to turn everything into a negotiation, especially bedtime. What can I do? • More questions • Submit your questions