Ask the Expert Dr. Roni Leiderman, Associate Dean at The Family and School Center of Nova Southeastern University, is not only an expert on parenting issues but the working mother of two children. Terrible Threes Question: I have a daughter who is three and a half and a son who is ten months. The three year old is in the throws of the horrible threes, she whines and screams and cries every chance she gets and nothing we do seems to help lessen the behavior. Time out, take away privileges, ignore, talk her through it etc. nothing seems to have an effect on her. She is very bright and very verbal and also very demanding. She frequently tells me and her brother to go away because she doesn't like us and we are bothering her. I tell her that no matter what she says to me, I will always love her and will always be her mom, but it is my job to help her learn to be kind to other people, including her family. She argues and protests everything from socks and hair to what to eat where to sit what to watch to who is to take her to school and who to give her a bath., and etc. She does not always get what she wants but then it is a massive throw down shrill scream and cry which can last for up to 20 or minutes. I am sick to my stomach all day when the morning starts like this and very sad that the only conversations we have are dealing with her tantrums. Telling her no or that she needs to use words not whines that she does not get what she wants when she whines and screams and etc. I am also sad that her brother seems to get little attention because we have to spend so much time either trying to get her to stop crying and screaming or trying to ignore her. I do not know what to try next. I understand from others that this is a stage and they often will become more reasonable during the fourth year. However, I can't not discipline her but I am losing my patience and I don't want to do anything that would effect her self-confidence or emotional well-being. I am beginning to wonder if there is something more than just a developmental stage going on here. Not ADHD but something like that. This has been going on now it seems for nearly two years. I would be very grateful for some advice. - Rachel Answer: Rachel, it certainly does sound like you and your family are having a difficult time with your 3 year old. Young children are born with an individual temperament and it would appear that your daughter is very sensitive and can get upset very easily. That, combined with a number of factors including, perhaps, the birth of her baby brother, may have exasperated the situation. A lot of what you describe is attention getting behaviors. Although you do, at times, ignore your daughter's tantrums and whining, you also wrote that you use time out, taking away privileges, and talking it through. By changing your approach, you may actually be reinforcing her screams and negative behaviors. It's difficult to totally ignore a child's demands and constant screaming. Pick something that you feel you could live with and completely follow through. For example, you might want to start by ignoring all screaming. When her screaming begins, calmly tell her that when she calms down you will talk with her about her shoes (or hair, or what to eat, etc). Then take a deep breath and ignore her. Seize any opportunity to encourage her efforts at calming. If she stops, even for a moment to catch her breath, tell her, "Great! You are calming down. Now we can talk about it." If she goes back to screaming, go back to ignoring. As your daughter is used to getting some attention from you during her tantrums, she will most likely increase in the duration and intensity of her protests. I know that sounds daunting, but your goal is to help your daughter find ways to calm herself down and the process might take some time. Remember that your ignoring her is not a punishment and should not be presented as such. It is a way to let your child get the time and space needed to develop self-comforting techniques. Use the times that your daughter is calm to explain the "rules" in your home. Let her know that you can't talk with her when she is yelling at you. You might want to practice and "act" things out with her or her dolls and puppets to make it more understandable. Ultimately, your daughter will be happier when she understands the "rules" and learns to calm herself down. Let her know that you are there to support her during the process. Always make sure that your daughter is in a physically safe situation. A time out done in a non-punitive way is appropriate if you feel that she is going to hurt someone or damage property. Make sure that you are calm when dealing with the situation. Ignore behaviors that you have decided are unacceptable and help your child develop strategies to calm herself down. Remember to encourage her efforts, however small. If you feel that, in spite of these suggestions, your daughter still seems to have a difficult time or if you feel too stressed to respond calmly, consider speaking with a professional who specializes in young children and parenting issues. The Family Center of Nova Southeastern University offers the S.T.E.P. program (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) and can be reached at 954-262-6900. Best, Roni Leiderman Other recently asked questions • How do you handle discipline challenges with step children? • My two-year old is beginning to turn everything into a negotiation, especially bedtime. 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