Ask the Expert Dr. Roni Leiderman, Associate Dean at The Family and School Center of Nova Southeastern University, is not only an expert on parenting issues but the working mother of two children. Sibling Rivalry Question: Do you have any suggestions for stopping sibling fighting? It is non-stop between my 2 oldest girls, ages 7 and 5 1/2 years. - Debbie Answer: Debbie, It is not unusual for siblings to fight. Children often resort to fighting when they are angry or frustrated and unable to verbalize their feelings. Often our involvement in our children's arguments causes them to escalate. In our attempts to resolve their conflicts, parents often reinforce the very behaviors we are trying to eliminate. Ask yourself if you are acting as "referee" more often than not. Are you giving your children the opportunity to come to an agreement before you step in and assign blame or, in your own frustration, respond by yelling or punishing. If so, consider changing your strategy. Acknowledge your children's feelings of hurt or anger. When your crying 5 year old comes to you to complain about something her sister did, let her know that you understand her frustration. "I can see that you are upset because your sister won't let you play with her new toy." Continue to reflect her feelings but be careful about getting involved and demanding apologies or assigning blame. If your daughters are arguing over a toy, instead of deciding who was "right," let them know that you believe they are capable of figuring out a solution. "I know you can figure this out, girls. I'm sure you'll come up with a good solution so both of you are happy." And then...let them do just that. If they are battling over something and simply can't resolve it, let them know that you will step in and assist them until they can come up with a better solution. "When you figure out a way to share the television remote control, we can turn the TV on. Let me know when you've worked this out and I'll be happy to let you watch your show." Basically, you are letting your daughters be responsible for their behaviors. This new strategy may take some time for everyone (including you!) to get used to. Give it a few weeks of consistently taking a step back from their battles. With your support and encouragement, your daughters will learn valuable life lessons about resolving conflicts with others. Good Luck, Roni Leiderman Other recently asked questions • How do you handle discipline challenges with step children? • My two-year old is beginning to turn everything into a negotiation, especially bedtime. What should I do? • What age is it appropriate for girls to wear makeup? • Other recent questions • Submit your questions