Does Birth Order Really Matter

By Maria Bailey

I never thought there was anything to all that birth-order research until I became the mother of four. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not sure I believe that personality traits are automatically inbreed in babies born as #1, #2, #3 or my case #4. I think the reality is that we as mothers change our parenting style each additional child hence producing different types of children.

I really didn't get the opportunity to focus on birth-order issues with my first three children because I had them so close together. Don't tell them this, but I really didn't have a chance to look at them as individual babies with separate needs. It was simply, everyone needs to be changed, three portions of rice cereal at dinnertime and eighteen different outfits a day. It's only fair to let everyone who doesn't already know that I had three babies in less than twenty months. I know the next question already because I've answered it a million times--no I didn't have twins. Quick math is now leading you to the next question, "How did she do that?" The answer: We have a blended family that was grown through adoption and biological births. Have you ever heard that Garth Brooks song about God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers? Thankfully I didn't get pregnant when I was trying, or I would never have adopted my oldest child. There always seems to be a master plan and mine apparently included a double whammy. All of my petitions for a child were answered with two within 6 months and another only 14 months later. Did I mention that I went without a nanny during the month that followed the birth of my third baby? My memories of that challenging time are somewhat limited as one can well imagine. Who had time to think?

Although times were hard and the workload was great, my husband and I were so grateful to be parents that we rolled right along doing all the things we had dreamed of doing with our child times three. We went on road trips together, ate in restaurants together and even ventured to go camping. Keenan, the youngest of the three celebrated his second birthday around a fire in a campground in the Great Smoky Mountains. Necessity made it a requirement for them to learn to sit in church silently, ride in the car for long periods of time and entertain themselves at the table when in a restaurant. They all seem to exhibit the qualities of a first-born: independent, caring and self-motivators.

Fast forward four years and now Morgan, our youngest child arrives. I don't know if it was that I was four years older or just four years wiser, but I've found myself hiring a lot more babysitters when I just don't feel like battling her in a restaurant. The reason I bring this up is that I realized the other day when we did take her out to eat that I was faulting her for not sitting in her highchair. As I often try to do, I stepped back from the battle and looked at the behavior from another angle. I'm hoping you can learn from my mistake because what I realized is that my actions created the problem. I had not given her the opportunity to learn to sit at the table at an early age like I had with the other three children. Fortunately for me, I only have two years of work to undo, but I vowed to look at the other things that I had limited her from doing.

As a mother, I believe you have to step back every once in a while and look objectively at the behaviors of your children. Perhaps there is something you are doing or in my case, not doing that is breeding the behavior. I've had so many of my friends complain to me that they could never take their children to church because they would never sit in the pew quietly but yet they have never even tried. Not that I am always correct, but I firmly believe that my children learned to sit quietly in church because that's what's been expected of them since the first time they went when they were one week old. Behaviors aren't born they are created. Regardless of the birth order, as parents we must recognize that there are many qualities we can mold within our children. We just have to stop long enough to identify them.

I will be taking a week off in order to take my children on an educational vacation. I'm going to take some of my own advice and focus on my family so look for my diary entry in two weeks. Guess what the topic will be? Traveling with the family, perhaps?

Have a great week.

Share your thoughts on our message board or email Maria.

Also see:
• Week Twenty-Six -- My youngest turned two
• Week Twenty-Five -- Losing someone you love
• Week Twenty-Four -- Where's the romance in Valentine's Day?
• Week Twenty-Three -- The call I've been waiting for
• Week Twenty-Two -- Where did the weekend go?
• Week Twenty-One -- Business trip challenges
• Week Twenty -- Girl Scout cookie time
• Week Nineteen -- Thoughts on motherhood
• Week Eighteen -- No more resolutions
• Week Seventeen -- Holiday Letter
• Week Sixteen -- Holiday traditions
• Week Fifteen -- Who's bed is it anyway?
• Week Fourteen -- Holding a child's hand
• Week Thirteen -- Attending a bris
• More diary entries

Maria Bailey is the CEO and founder of BlueSuitMom.com and a mother of four children under the age of seven.